Monday, December 5, 2011

Monday, November 28, 2011

Modern Day Horror

I hate to be that gay guy giving fashion advice. I really do. However, I find that I really should tell you people about this. This horrible offense to the eyes. Gladiator sandals.

Women who wear these atrocities should be forced to fight lions in a Coliseum-like setting. If that doesn’t do them in then they should be forced to follow some Jesus-like man around the desert for an entire year.

Point is these things are disgusting. Why on earth would you wear this? Are you trying to dress up as a Greek muse??? Like I said, I hate being THAT gay but it must be said. 

Say no to gladiator sandals. 

The Typo from Hell

Normally, typos go unnoticed. Spelling errors go on without so much as causing a disruption in daily life. Today though, one typo caused me to bring the fury of a thousand suns on an unsuspecting coworker.

I was given a task, a simple task, very easy. You see, I was given a date of 12/30/11. On this date I was to retrieve data. So I did my task with the honor and duty of a soldier going off to fight for his country. Fifteen minutes later, I’m done. 

End of story, right? Hahaha…no. Apparently, the date was suppose to be 12/03/11. HOW THE HELL DO YOU TRANSPOSE NUMBERS LIKE THAT? Are people this day in age that reckless? This kind of crap doesn’t fly in a military base! If you transpose numbers like that you could easily fire a missile to the White House instead of a-hole terrorist!

Like I said, these “typos,” these abominations in typing are overlooked. Well, not this time. I avenged the loss of my 15 minutes. Those 15 minutes in which I will never get back! I got on my desk and wielded my sword and yelled something incoherent but definitely sounded like English. I slashed at cubicles and smashed computers. I might have decapitated a few heads, I’m not sure. Point is, I drove my message into their psyche. Never ever screw up like that a again.

Truth is…I just rolled my eyes and sucked my teeth.

Monday, August 22, 2011

By the pricking of my thumbs...

Something shitty this way comes! And that is how you introduce a storm heading your way. According to our shitty forecast, a hurricane should be here by maybe Thursday, Friday or Saturday. A very shitty forecast indeed.
There are some pros for a storm coming to destroy your hometown. For one, there may not be any work! Of course, my job will probably wait until the very last minute to tell us that we don’t need to come in the office because of the impending doom looming over us. Then there’s the yummy hurricane supply food you get to eat. Hurricane supply food usually consists of non-perishable items such as: chocolate chip cookies, deviled ham, chili beans, canned soup and more cookies.
What are the cons? Your house may get blown down. But above all, the scariest thing about a hurricane is losing power. We all know that with losing power you lose your internet, air  conditioning, computer usage and any other device you hold dear that runs on power. Sure, your iPod may be able to last a few hours without having to recharge. But what happens if you don’t regain power until 2 or 3 weeks after the storm? What then, huh!? You’re screwed!
For me this will be storm number…5? I’ve lost count. In any case, this should be fun! I’m always one for the unexpected. Except for water parks. Those things scare the fuck out of me.

Friday, August 12, 2011

Reality Slaps Childhood Dream

So I’m taking one of the 30 or 40 walks I take throughout the day and I’m looking at the birds and lizards and thinking “wow…nature.” I says to myself, I says “I should’ve been a biologist!” Then I remembered how boring biology was in high school. Who the hell can keep up with cellular structure and reproduction? Still though…lizards and birds are cool. A lot more cool than, say, my current job. Here is a list of jobs I should have taken up:
Park Ranger. There is nothing more fun than chasing after bears who steal picnic baskets.
Air Force Pilot. This is probably one of the most stress free jobs ever because you can take out your frustration by bombing cities, buildings and your ex’s house.
Paleontologist. Two words: Jurassic Park.
Archaeologist. Uh, hello! Indiana Jones!
Jedi Master. Although it’s believed to be an extinct profession you should never underestimate the power of the Force!
Alchemist. A full metal alchemist to be exact, haha. But seriously, how cool would it be to turn a piece of cardboard into lunch?
Wizard. If Harry Potter could make it through Hogwarts with all that chaos, it should be a walk in the park for me. Assuming I can afford the tuition at Hogwarts, of course.
Bounty Hunter. You know, like in Cowboy Bebop.
Vampire Sheriff. Screw the sheriff part, I just want to be a vampire!
But back to reality, the current job openings are for Quality Control Analyst, Database Administrator and Portfolio Manager. None of these jobs require special powers or sound adventurous. Why would anyone apply?

Thursday, July 28, 2011

My Picks For Miami Spice

The "Must Do" list
1. Deco Grill
2. Quattro
3. Meat Market
4. Sra. Martinez
5. Petit Rouge
6. Azul
7. Caffe Vialetto
8. Gibraltar
9. La Palma
10. Old Lisbon
11. Por Fin
12. City Hall the Restaurant
Runner Ups
1. The Dinning Room
2. 660 at The Anglers
3. Sugar Cane
4. Michael’s Genuine Food & Drink
5. Atrio
6. Café Sambal
7. Christy’s
8. Eos
9. Novecento
10. Redfish Grill
11. Rosa Mexicano
12. Sawa
13. Truluck’s
14. Quinn’s

Thursday, March 31, 2011

Best Advice for Kids

When playing Duck-Duck-Goose, always pick the fattest kid in the circle. Those pudgy little legs cannot pick up speed fast enough to catch you. Your teacher may call you out on it but hey…you’re only being fair.

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

It's true

I got the best roommates anybody can ask for in the world! My mom and dad!

Thursday, March 24, 2011

The Claw

So in high school, senior year, I got the nickname The Claw. No, it’s not what you think. My nails were perfectly trimmed and maintained. My feet resembled baby feet…minus the pudginess. The reason I was called The Claw was because my friend Diego had really cute boyfriends and I just happened to comment and say “hey, your boyfriend is really cute!” I guess my friends thought it was weird and that I was trying to snatch their boyfriends. Which by the way, I could’ve done so if I didn’t have a conscience, hahahahha…not really.

Anyway, I only thought two of his boyfriends were cute. E being one of them. He was a nice guy. He was still in the closet at the time. What was funny is that D was such a queen that E would walk behind him so as not to be associated with his flaming ass boyfriend, hahahaha. R was the other cute boyfriend. I was a bit drunk the night I met him and my thoughts were just pouring out of me at the time.

So you see…I’m not really a boyfriend snatcher. I suppose though that if I were a boyfriend snatcher I would be a lot more subtle and probably very good at it, muahahahhahaha…again, not really.