Monday, February 28, 2011

Right out of the headlines

Oh Gadhafi…you must be someone’s favorite crazy uncle.

I for one prefer when he rocked out that Rhythm Nation outfit he had back in the day.

Here's to the soon-to-be-toppled-and-quite-possibly-executed dictator of Libya.

Friday, February 18, 2011

Bringing Balance to the Force

The other gay guy from my department was given the boot! A rival is defeated! The Soviet Union to my America (Cold War reference) ceases to exist! Thus leaving me as the dominant queen of this 30 x 40 feet area! In essence, I’m the only gay left which leaves things unbalanced around here. I’m probably going to have to pick up the responsibilities of the other gay. His fag hags will be annexed to my collection and I will have to double my efforts in giving fashion advice. Sigh, a gay man must work for his keep!
But…a new hope is out there. See, my department rounded up some people to help us temporarily with our work. Among them is yet another gay. Already he has received praise for his good work and approachable personality. As he put it to a fellow coworker, “I’m here to shine!” Hahaha…good for you. Don’t be ridiculous, reader…I am not threatened by him! So why am I cutting the brakes of his car and wiring his computer to explode when he logs in? Mere office pranks, I swear it.
There, now everything is balanced. For now…

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Quote of the Day

Everyone is doing it, so why not? Right? Except mine is a whole lot better and meaningful and most of's original! I came up with it! I think.

“I need no surer sign of Divine Providence than the existence of chocolate on this Earth.”

-By Henry Martinez

Saturday, February 12, 2011

iPod killed the Radio

So my doohickey that allowed me to play my iPod in the car was stolen. I hope whoever stole it is laying dead in a ditch still clutching on to the only device that brought sanity into my life.

The last week I have been listening to the radio stations on my way to and from work. Driving to and from work is a dreadful experience in the second most miserable city in the United States. Music was that little finger holding up the dam of hate from flooding the entire village. Without music, I am a monster (m-m-monster) on the streets. I rear ended an old lady all the way from 107th avenue to 97th avenue because she turned too slow. Then there was the time with school children being dragged by my car for about a quarter of a mile until their little hands couldn’t hold on any longer.

But anyway, point is…the radio sucks. There are obnoxious commercial ads (411 Pain being the top one) and lousy radio personalities (2 Girls in the Morning, yeah, real original). This is what I have been dealing with for the last week. Shower me with pity! ::cricket noise::

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

The Post-Apocalyptic World and You

Find yourself in a post-apocalyptic world in which civilization collapsed and everything is in chaos? In other words, did everything go to shits? Then I have just the recommended (and possibly required) reading to start a new society! John Locke’s Two Treatises of Government.
The man with the same name as the guy from Lost makes some very interesting points about governing! Everyone knows that once the apocalypse comes and wipes out a good chunk of people from this world it will be left up to a few of us to bring some order into this shitty ass world. And in the unfortunate event in which such a responsibility is in your hands just remember John Locke’s Two Treatises of Government.
Here’s the rundown on this little work: People have a right to self preservation. The purpose of government is to preserve society. The end. Then there’s some stuff about people giving up their rights of acting as judge and punisher to the government. People removing a government that violates their rights of self preservation, etc, etc…
If you follow this man’s advice your new little society will be the envy of the post-apocalyptic world. Good job! Hopefully no barbarian horde tries to massacre you and your people. Good luck with diseases also, because although John Locke talks about governing he makes no mention at all of how to fight off germs. You try and stop cholera with the Natural Rights of Man.

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

BFFs...until you do something to upset me

As we all know, the French are vile creatures (haha, j/k)…but are Americans aware the French were our besties and helped us win the Revolutionary War? It’s true, before they became the surrendering cowards they are now, the French were quite the force to reckon with.

Let’s go back into time…the year: 1770-something. So the Americans were totally pissed off at their roommate the Brits. The Brits were all like “well, you need to pay for some of the shit in this apartment, chap.” And the Americans were like “well, that’s not what you said when I moved in here, dude.” So this whole war started with the Americans and the Brits. The Americans needed some help, so old Ben Franklin goes to Louie VIII (or something like that) and tells him “hey, bro…you really hate the English don’t you?” and the French were like “Oui!” and old Ben is like “Help me, help you!”

So the French joined our little scuffle with the Brits.

Together we send Cornwallis and his merry men crying like bitches back to England.

The French and Americans, best friends for life!

That is until the French had their revolution. The French come back and ask the Americans for help. To which we replied “Nah dude…that sounds gay not right now.” So we totally sold them out! This one French ambassador was even picking out American troops to take back to France and George Washington slapped the powder off his white wig and told him to go home.

And that is how the French and the Americans became mortal enemies. Of course, to believe all of this you would have to disregard the Statue of Liberty, World Wars 1 and 2 (but not 3!) and a couple of trade agreements we have with them.