Best Advice for Kids

When playing Duck-Duck-Goose, always pick the fattest kid in the circle. Those pudgy little legs cannot pick up speed fast enough to catch you. Your teacher may call you out on it but hey…you’re only being fair.

It's true

I got the best roommates anybody can ask for in the world! My mom and dad!

The Claw

So in high school, senior year, I got the nickname The Claw. No, it’s not what you think. My nails were perfectly trimmed and maintained. My feet resembled baby feet…minus the pudginess. The reason I was called The Claw was because my friend Diego had really cute boyfriends and I just happened to comment and say “hey, your boyfriend is really cute!” I guess my friends thought it was weird and that I was trying to snatch their boyfriends. Which by the way, I could’ve done so if I didn’t have a conscience, hahahahha…not really.

Anyway, I only thought two of his boyfriends were cute. E being one of them. He was a nice guy. He was still in the closet at the time. What was funny is that D was such a queen that E would walk behind him so as not to be associated with his flaming ass boyfriend, hahahaha. R was the other cute boyfriend. I was a bit drunk the night I met him and my thoughts were just pouring out of me at the time.

So you see…I’m not really a boyfriend snatcher. I suppose though that if I were a boyfriend snatcher I would be a lot more subtle and probably very good at it, muahahahhahaha…again, not really.

Filet Mignon, betch!

So the new gay guy in my department has totally snubbed me. Total act of war if I’ve ever seen one myself. It all started at 2pm…

I’m sitting at my desk, staring at the bottom right hand corner of my computer monitor waiting for 4pm. I’m bored, tired, a little sleepy and the day is just dragging. I hear a bit of a commotion going on two aisles from me. The new gay guy brought some Cuban coffee and is sharing it amongst his coworkers. Sweet! We’re in the same department, we’re only about 15 feet away, thus making us coworkers, right? WRONG!

He stops on the aisle before mine and walks back to his desk. What. The. Fuck. What are we over here in my aisle? Chopped liver? Does he know who I am? I’m the mothafuckin’ Party Planning Committee’s Senior Chairman, Director, President, Lord, Emperor, Viceroy, Supreme Leader and whatever I feel like being that day!

Now, you might think that he either ran out of coffee to distribute or that he has every right to share the coffee with whomever he wants because he bought it with his own money…perfectly logical. Screw your logic!

You know how the Indians used to respect chiefs from other tribes? By smoking together…same concept here. Being that I am part Indian somehow, this is an affront to me and the people of my aisle!

Today Libya, tomorrow that fucker’s house.

A Handful of Shit

Facebook offers an array of material to write about and mostly laugh at. For instance, someone posted the below stupidity as a status:
 
“I am a handful. I’m strong willed, independent, a bit outspoken, and I tell like it is. I make mistakes, I am sometimes out of control and at times hard to handle but I love and give with all my heart. If you can’t handle me at my worst then you sure don’t deserve me at my best.”
 
Allow me to breakdown that ridiculous quote line-by-line.
 
“I’m strong willed…” A hardheaded motherfucker
“Independent, a bit outspoken…” So you’re single and have an opinion on everything.
“and I tell like it is.”  You seem to not be able to distinguish between an opinion and fact.
 
“I make mistakes…” This person lacks some common sense.
“I am sometimes out of control…” This person has emotional issues that are best left to professionals or to a strong dose of tranquilizers.
“I love and give with all my heart.” Stage 9 clinger over here.
 
“If you can’t handle me at my worst then you sure don’t deserve me at my best.”
Translation: I should warn you, I’m a total bitch which overshadows any decent qualities I may have.