Bringing Balance to the Force

The other gay guy from my department was given the boot! A rival is defeated! The Soviet Union to my America (Cold War reference) ceases to exist! Thus leaving me as the dominant queen of this 30 x 40 feet area! In essence, I’m the only gay left which leaves things unbalanced around here. I’m probably going to have to pick up the responsibilities of the other gay. His fag hags will be annexed to my collection and I will have to double my efforts in giving fashion advice. Sigh, a gay man must work for his keep!
 
But…a new hope is out there. See, my department rounded up some people to help us temporarily with our work. Among them is yet another gay. Already he has received praise for his good work and approachable personality. As he put it to a fellow coworker, “I’m here to shine!” Hahaha…good for you. Don’t be ridiculous, reader…I am not threatened by him! So why am I cutting the brakes of his car and wiring his computer to explode when he logs in? Mere office pranks, I swear it.
 
There, now everything is balanced. For now…
 
 

Quote of the Day

Everyone is doing it, so why not? Right? Except mine is a whole lot better and meaningful and most of all...it's original! I came up with it! I think.

“I need no surer sign of Divine Providence than the existence of chocolate on this Earth.”

-By Henry Martinez

iPod killed the Radio

So my doohickey that allowed me to play my iPod in the car was stolen. I hope whoever stole it is laying dead in a ditch still clutching on to the only device that brought sanity into my life.

The last week I have been listening to the radio stations on my way to and from work. Driving to and from work is a dreadful experience in the second most miserable city in the United States. Music was that little finger holding up the dam of hate from flooding the entire village. Without music, I am a monster (m-m-monster) on the streets. I rear ended an old lady all the way from 107th avenue to 97th avenue because she turned too slow. Then there was the time with school children being dragged by my car for about a quarter of a mile until their little hands couldn’t hold on any longer.

But anyway, point is…the radio sucks. There are obnoxious commercial ads (411 Pain being the top one) and lousy radio personalities (2 Girls in the Morning, yeah, real original). This is what I have been dealing with for the last week. Shower me with pity! ::cricket noise::

The Post-Apocalyptic World and You

Find yourself in a post-apocalyptic world in which civilization collapsed and everything is in chaos? In other words, did everything go to shits? Then I have just the recommended (and possibly required) reading to start a new society! John Locke’s Two Treatises of Government.
 
The man with the same name as the guy from Lost makes some very interesting points about governing! Everyone knows that once the apocalypse comes and wipes out a good chunk of people from this world it will be left up to a few of us to bring some order into this shitty ass world. And in the unfortunate event in which such a responsibility is in your hands just remember John Locke’s Two Treatises of Government.
 
Here’s the rundown on this little work: People have a right to self preservation. The purpose of government is to preserve society. The end. Then there’s some stuff about people giving up their rights of acting as judge and punisher to the government. People removing a government that violates their rights of self preservation, etc, etc…
 
If you follow this man’s advice your new little society will be the envy of the post-apocalyptic world. Good job! Hopefully no barbarian horde tries to massacre you and your people. Good luck with diseases also, because although John Locke talks about governing he makes no mention at all of how to fight off germs. You try and stop cholera with the Natural Rights of Man.
 

BFFs...until you do something to upset me

As we all know, the French are vile creatures (haha, j/k)…but are Americans aware the French were our besties and helped us win the Revolutionary War? It’s true, before they became the surrendering cowards they are now, the French were quite the force to reckon with.

Let’s go back into time…the year: 1770-something. So the Americans were totally pissed off at their roommate the Brits. The Brits were all like “well, you need to pay for some of the shit in this apartment, chap.” And the Americans were like “well, that’s not what you said when I moved in here, dude.” So this whole war started with the Americans and the Brits. The Americans needed some help, so old Ben Franklin goes to Louie VIII (or something like that) and tells him “hey, bro…you really hate the English don’t you?” and the French were like “Oui!” and old Ben is like “Help me, help you!”

So the French joined our little scuffle with the Brits.

Together we send Cornwallis and his merry men crying like bitches back to England.

The French and Americans, best friends for life!

That is until the French had their revolution. The French come back and ask the Americans for help. To which we replied “Nah dude…that sounds gay not right now.” So we totally sold them out! This one French ambassador was even picking out American troops to take back to France and George Washington slapped the powder off his white wig and told him to go home.

And that is how the French and the Americans became mortal enemies. Of course, to believe all of this you would have to disregard the Statue of Liberty, World Wars 1 and 2 (but not 3!) and a couple of trade agreements we have with them.

The unmentionable has happened

My computer at work has been blocked from internet usage. I am now reduced to writing my blogs on a Word document, emailing it to my personal email, opening said email from my phone, copying and pasting, and then posting to my blog from my phone. So this is what it feels like to be cut off from the world, to be in total isolation. Who knows what might be going on right now in the streets of Miami. Are we under a terrorist attack? Is everything ok in Australia?
 
 
Sure, I could use my phone’s 3G powers to access the news but that takes too long. I can’t sit around for 2 minutes waiting for a page to load.  There is absolutely nothing like using a company’s T3 internet speed to view sites like CNN or YouTube.
 
 
Oh God, how on earth will I be able to look up song lyrics in the middle of the work day? Get it together, Henry! I’ll get through this…I’m pretty sure there is a way around the system. Neo figured out how to stop bullets in the Matrix. How hard can it be to get access to the internet in the office? Pffft…easy peasy.
 
 
Mark my words…the next time I write it will be about my victory in sticking it to the man (manager that is)!
 
 

Maybe we should have been politicians

I have a very basic idea how Congress may work and it goes a little something like this:
 
A senator might have a wonderful idea of introducing legislation that would help build roads, as an example. So Senator So-and-So introduces a bill that states “Congress will build new roads.”
Then some other asshole senator puts his goddamn two cents in and says “Better yet, let’s build highways!”
Another senator is like “well, I’ll vote for this if you attach a ‘no gum allowed’ law into this package.”
You also have to deal with the assholes who oppose the bill and try shooting it down for whatever reason.
Let’s not forget the jerks in the Finance Committee who say “we can’t afford this” or “we’re not going to pay for it.” 
Debates go on for a while, people add or change shit on the bill. Finally, you end up with a bill that looks like nothing like the original, “Congress will build new railroads and gum will only be allowed on Fridays, purple monkey dinosaurs rule.” Or the bill is killed and nothing gets done.
 
Does this process sound all too familiar? Then you’re probably one of my friends, hahaha.