The Trials of a Long Weekend

A long weekend is upon us and I am faced with the unprecedented challenge of figuring out what to do. I'm kinda bored. So here's a transcript of what is going on:

Me: I'm so bored! I'll do anything. I'm willing to go anywhere tonight! 
Friend: Let's go to a club! 
Me: Eh, nevermind, I'll stay in. 

The End. 

My Ode to Coffee

There's this magical little potion that I like to have in the mornings. It's my salvation. Although venomous as it is, it brings forth life. You know it as COFFEE! 

You know when Mario comes across a Star in the game and he becomes invincible? Yeah, the coffee is my star and I become invincible...for a limited time of course. It gives me that boost I need to take on the world and whatever it decides to throw at me. Yet there are things that even coffee can't handle. The barrage of aggravating questions and comments from fellow coworkers, the importance placed on futile assignments, and the madness of corporate hierarchy. Even magic can't handle that what chance does coffee have? 

Still, for a moment in time, short as may be, coffee solves all of my problems. I have something to look forward to every morning thanks to this black, teeth-staining liquid. #coffee 

Power up! 

Mimosas are a gateway alcoholic drink

So guess who ended up doing brunch, going to the beach, hitting up Palace and Twist? Me! The end. There I just told you what I did. For details, please keep reading. 

When did unlimited mimosas become so expensive? $30 per person? Only the richest kings of Europe can afford that. Since I forked over $30, I might as well drink my worth. And I did, and more. And that is how it all started at Oak Tavern with three of my friends. After all that alcohol I thought to my self "I should TRY and sober up with some coffee." And tried we did. But alas, there is no elixir out there to magically undo all that happiness that alcohol brings. 

The drinks did their number on me alright! There was no fighting what was coming! Though the rest is a bit of a blur, I'll just list the important things that happened:

• Had some more drinks at Twist. Twist is a lot like that cantina in Star Wars. No exaggeration at all. 
• Met up with more people. More witnesses to my debauchery
• I was at Palace for about 15 minutes which felt like 3 hours in drunk time. 
• Ended up at some bar in a hotel on 9th Street and Washington. Where I met three fine young men in which I asked if they were tops, bottoms, or versatile. Apparently it's not a very polite question to ask.

And there you go. A quick rundown of my evening. And here I am now, recovering. 

It was all a blur, literally. 

Self Revelation and the Beach!

I know I can be a little possessive but it's a charming quality of mine, I swear it! Anyone who says otherwise doesn't appreciate my constant need for validation through "hanging out." 

Some friends of mine are heading to the beach on this fine and beautiful Sunday. Guess who was not invited? Me. Why? Is it because I live 340 miles away? Is it because driving up to their beach would be an inconvenience to me, cost me money in toll and gas, and also take about 3 hours to meet up? Maybe. Point is...I feel left out. So you know what? I'm going to the beach right here which is only 20 minutes away. Take that my-so-called friends from out of town! 

Even these goddamn birds are at the beach

I'm juggling two plans right now and betting (and hoping) that one of them will fall through. You see, in this crazy world that we live in you need to have a back-up plan and sometimes a back-up plan to the back-up plan. Plan A is to go out for lunch. Plan B is to go the beach instead and then go drinking. Which one will fall through? Which one will reign the champion plan? Stay tuned for more after the sun has gone down. 

One year later...

Has it really been a year since I spilled my heart out on the web? Yup. Sounds like me. Blogging is one of those things I take up, do it for a while, and then I drop cold turkey. A lot like working out, hobbies, being nice to people, and putting forth effort at work. 

What has changed in the last year? Well, I wish I could say a lot...actually, a lot has changed, I just can't bring myself to recall all that has changed. I am writing because I am bored and I can't find a thing to do. So writing will compensate for staying in tonight. Some things never change. Like when I go fishing for plans, hahaha, boy, do I never learn. 

So as to show some kind of activity on my account, I'll post. 

you'll never know

Submitted for the approval of The Midnight Society, I present the Tale of the Man with a Secret.

Yuuup...its true. There is a secret in our midst and only I know it. What a terrible secret it is too.  Its quite the burden to bare.  I'm just itching to share it. But I'm too chicken because here I am, hiding behind a blog, talking all cryptic.

I'll give one clue in the form of a picture.

Reality Bites

So read a book! Watch a movie! Lay back and daydream.

Modern Day Horror

I hate to be that gay guy giving fashion advice. I really do. However, I find that I really should tell you people about this. This horrible offense to the eyes. Gladiator sandals.

Women who wear these atrocities should be forced to fight lions in a Coliseum-like setting. If that doesn’t do them in then they should be forced to follow some Jesus-like man around the desert for an entire year.

Point is these things are disgusting. Why on earth would you wear this? Are you trying to dress up as a Greek muse??? Like I said, I hate being THAT gay but it must be said. 

Say no to gladiator sandals. 

The Typo from Hell

Normally, typos go unnoticed. Spelling errors go on without so much as causing a disruption in daily life. Today though, one typo caused me to bring the fury of a thousand suns on an unsuspecting coworker.

I was given a task, a simple task, very easy. You see, I was given a date of 12/30/11. On this date I was to retrieve data. So I did my task with the honor and duty of a soldier going off to fight for his country. Fifteen minutes later, I’m done. 

End of story, right? Hahaha…no. Apparently, the date was suppose to be 12/03/11. HOW THE HELL DO YOU TRANSPOSE NUMBERS LIKE THAT? Are people this day in age that reckless? This kind of crap doesn’t fly in a military base! If you transpose numbers like that you could easily fire a missile to the White House instead of a-hole terrorist!

Like I said, these “typos,” these abominations in typing are overlooked. Well, not this time. I avenged the loss of my 15 minutes. Those 15 minutes in which I will never get back! I got on my desk and wielded my sword and yelled something incoherent but definitely sounded like English. I slashed at cubicles and smashed computers. I might have decapitated a few heads, I’m not sure. Point is, I drove my message into their psyche. Never ever screw up like that a again.

Truth is…I just rolled my eyes and sucked my teeth.

By the pricking of my thumbs...

Something shitty this way comes! And that is how you introduce a storm heading your way. According to our shitty forecast, a hurricane should be here by maybe Thursday, Friday or Saturday. A very shitty forecast indeed.
 
There are some pros for a storm coming to destroy your hometown. For one, there may not be any work! Of course, my job will probably wait until the very last minute to tell us that we don’t need to come in the office because of the impending doom looming over us. Then there’s the yummy hurricane supply food you get to eat. Hurricane supply food usually consists of non-perishable items such as: chocolate chip cookies, deviled ham, chili beans, canned soup and more cookies.
 
What are the cons? Your house may get blown down. But above all, the scariest thing about a hurricane is losing power. We all know that with losing power you lose your internet, air  conditioning, computer usage and any other device you hold dear that runs on power. Sure, your iPod may be able to last a few hours without having to recharge. But what happens if you don’t regain power until 2 or 3 weeks after the storm? What then, huh!? You’re screwed!
 
For me this will be storm number…5? I’ve lost count. In any case, this should be fun! I’m always one for the unexpected. Except for water parks. Those things scare the fuck out of me.
 
 

Reality Slaps Childhood Dream

So I’m taking one of the 30 or 40 walks I take throughout the day and I’m looking at the birds and lizards and thinking “wow…nature.” I says to myself, I says “I should’ve been a biologist!” Then I remembered how boring biology was in high school. Who the hell can keep up with cellular structure and reproduction? Still though…lizards and birds are cool. A lot more cool than, say, my current job. Here is a list of jobs I should have taken up:
 
Park Ranger. There is nothing more fun than chasing after bears who steal picnic baskets.
Air Force Pilot. This is probably one of the most stress free jobs ever because you can take out your frustration by bombing cities, buildings and your ex’s house.
Paleontologist. Two words: Jurassic Park.
Archaeologist. Uh, hello! Indiana Jones!
Jedi Master. Although it’s believed to be an extinct profession you should never underestimate the power of the Force!
Alchemist. A full metal alchemist to be exact, haha. But seriously, how cool would it be to turn a piece of cardboard into lunch?
Wizard. If Harry Potter could make it through Hogwarts with all that chaos, it should be a walk in the park for me. Assuming I can afford the tuition at Hogwarts, of course.
Bounty Hunter. You know, like in Cowboy Bebop.
Vampire Sheriff. Screw the sheriff part, I just want to be a vampire!
 
But back to reality, the current job openings are for Quality Control Analyst, Database Administrator and Portfolio Manager. None of these jobs require special powers or sound adventurous. Why would anyone apply?
 
 

My Picks For Miami Spice

The "Must Do" list
1. Deco Grill
2. Quattro
3. Meat Market
4. Sra. Martinez
5. Petit Rouge
6. Azul
7. Caffe Vialetto
8. Gibraltar
9. La Palma
10. Old Lisbon
11. Por Fin
12. City Hall the Restaurant
 
Runner Ups
1. The Dinning Room
2. 660 at The Anglers
3. Sugar Cane
4. Michael’s Genuine Food & Drink
5. Atrio
6. Café Sambal
7. Christy’s
8. Eos
9. Novecento
10. Redfish Grill
11. Rosa Mexicano
12. Sawa
13. Truluck’s
14. Quinn’s

Best Advice for Kids

When playing Duck-Duck-Goose, always pick the fattest kid in the circle. Those pudgy little legs cannot pick up speed fast enough to catch you. Your teacher may call you out on it but hey…you’re only being fair.

It's true

I got the best roommates anybody can ask for in the world! My mom and dad!

The Claw

So in high school, senior year, I got the nickname The Claw. No, it’s not what you think. My nails were perfectly trimmed and maintained. My feet resembled baby feet…minus the pudginess. The reason I was called The Claw was because my friend Diego had really cute boyfriends and I just happened to comment and say “hey, your boyfriend is really cute!” I guess my friends thought it was weird and that I was trying to snatch their boyfriends. Which by the way, I could’ve done so if I didn’t have a conscience, hahahahha…not really.

Anyway, I only thought two of his boyfriends were cute. E being one of them. He was a nice guy. He was still in the closet at the time. What was funny is that D was such a queen that E would walk behind him so as not to be associated with his flaming ass boyfriend, hahahaha. R was the other cute boyfriend. I was a bit drunk the night I met him and my thoughts were just pouring out of me at the time.

So you see…I’m not really a boyfriend snatcher. I suppose though that if I were a boyfriend snatcher I would be a lot more subtle and probably very good at it, muahahahhahaha…again, not really.